What If We Don’t Want the Same Things Sexually? How Sex Therapy Can Help Couples Explore, Understand, and Reconnect
It’s one of the most vulnerable questions couples bring into therapy:
“What if we don’t want the same things sexually?”
Maybe one of you wants more sex and the other wants less.
Maybe your fantasies don’t align.
Maybe one of you is curious about kink, and the other isn’t sure.
Or maybe shame, trauma, or cultural messages have made certain desires hard to talk about at all.
Whatever your dynamic, know this: Mismatched sexual desires are not a dealbreaker. They’re an invitation to get curious, to communicate more clearly, and to learn new ways of connecting.
And sex therapy offers a space to do exactly that.
Sex Is Supposed to Evolve
In the early stages of a relationship, desire can feel effortless. But as relationships mature and as life throws in stress, kids, work, aging, or chronic illness; our sexual wants, needs, and capacities change.
Desire differences are common and often reflect:
Different attachment styles or emotional needs
Cultural or religious sexual messaging
Trauma histories or neurodivergence
Hormonal changes or medical factors
Shifting identities or roles in the relationship
What often starts as a difference in preferences can become a source of pain, rejection, or resentment if left unspoken.
That’s where therapy comes in.
How Sex Therapy Helps
At Therapy Brooklyn, we help couples:
Talk about sex without shame
Explore desires without judgment
Find common ground and co-create new ways of connecting
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
1. Uncovering Fantasies (Without Pressure)
We create a space where each partner can safely explore:
What excites me?
What turns me off?
What feels emotionally or physically safe for me?
You may discover that your fantasies aren’t about the act itself but about the feeling it evokes: freedom, closeness, surrender, control, affirmation. When couples understand the meaning behind the fantasy, it opens up new possibilities for compromise and creativity (Perel, 2017).
2. Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Boundaries are not the opposite of intimacy: they’re the foundation of it.
Therapy helps couples clarify:
What’s a hard no?
What’s a soft no or maybe?
What’s a yes, with conditions?
With support, partners can express limits without shame and stay connected while doing so. This can be especially important for queer, BIPOC, or neurodiverse clients who may have experienced boundary violations in past relationships or communities.
3. Negotiating Compromise Without Sacrificing Integrity
Sex therapy is not about one partner “giving in.” It’s about finding win-win solutions:
Can we find a shared activity that meets both our needs?
Can we create a sexual menu that includes multiple kinds of connection?
Can one of us explore solo experiences without it threatening our bond?
We work collaboratively to reduce pressure, build trust, and foster mutual curiosity.
4. Repairing Sexual Ruptures
If sex has become a source of fights, shutdowns, or emotional distance, therapy can help couples repair. We use emotion-focused and somatic tools to process:
Feelings of rejection
Guilt or resentment
Mistrust or grief
Traumas that impact sexual safety
From there, we can rebuild a more compassionate, flexible connection.
There’s No “One Right Way” to Be a Sexual Couple
What works for one couple may not work for another and that’s okay! Sex therapy honors your identities, your values, and your evolving desires.
Whether you’re monogamous or open, vanilla or kinky, queer, etc: we create a space where partners feel heard, seen, and supported.
Struggling with mismatched sexual desires? Let’s explore it together.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to get started with a compassionate, affirming sex therapist today.
References:
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
Kleinplatz, P. J. (2020). Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. Routledge.
